There. It's taken 49 years for me to type those words, along with my name attached. Isn't that funny? Most of my friends, colleagues, and even family have known for years, if not decades. Yet, here I sit, in the month of June, the time when Gay Pride is celebrated, and placing a rainbow circle around my Facebook profile pic still makes contemplate.
Why, you might ask?
Well, part of it is my generation. While we might have been the first to hear a president utter the word "gay" in a presidential address, some of us still struggle with an underpinning of an inner and somewhat implied need to be "discreet," as ridiculous as that might sound to some.
Discreet as defined by Miriam Webster is to be, "careful and circumspect in one's speech or actions, especially in order to avoid causing offense or to gain an advantage or to be intentionally unobtrusive." Can you imagine feeling the need to avoid admitting who you are for fear that you might create offense? I'm sure most gay men and women can relate to this very challenge at least at some point in their lives.
In other words, many of us from my generation and far before, and even some now, are taught that it's ok to be "gay" just as long as you follow the rules and avoid any attention.
I came out at the age of 24, mostly to my closest friends and confidantes, and later, my family. (I used to rationalize that it's one thing to lose a friend because you are gay, but losing a family member is akin to losing a limb) I met a guy three months later and ended up spending 23 years of my life with him, mostly while being "discreet" about who I was and refraining from demonstrating publicly the love and deep feelings I had for him. I even remember hosting a huge party, with ample appetizers and sweets, where I invited all of our friends to join us, while not sharing the true reason why they were invited-- celebrating our 10 year anniversary. Can you imagine living in your home, having a relationship with someone, sharing experiences, travel, laughter, joy, and yet... not feeling as if the gates can be open in respect to how you share about that relationship in public? Yep. I did.
Until four years ago. My long term relationship ended. We remain, to this day, best friends. But there I was, a middle aged guy who had never truly experienced my "community". So, I set out to do just that. And what I experienced made my heart swell with both pride and with pain. I went to a few bars. Attended fundraisers. Enjoyed as many drag shows as I could-- omg! Have you been to one? I'm telling you, the pure artistic talent, campiness, and laughter is something that can make anyone smile big! I also experienced relationships and dating where suicide attempts, depression, substance abuse, and serious mental health issues prevailed, and I would argue--the vast majority due to the pain inflicted by the need to be "discreet". I often say God brings people into your life for a reason. That reason might be to influence or to enhance perspectives. Many of you probably watched Brokeback Mountain years ago. I kept thinking as I watched that movie, there are still people out there who feel wrapped in the bondage of a world expectation without freedom to express and BE who they were designed to be.
I have always had a very strong faith. I also can share with you, as a young man, I spent hours in my little clubhouse asking God to make me "normal." I also can share, every single time... God spoke to my heart, "sweet boy, I don't make mistakes. You were designed by me. Be you. And bring as much good to this world as you can!"
So, today, as you might notice, I've rainbow-fide my profile pic. Not to be political. Not to make a statement. Not even to celebrate a month. But to remind all that it's OK to be who you are in your heart. It's ok to be who God intended you to be. Gay pride, along with the community, uses the rainbow as a symbol. I've often said, while witnessing a live rainbow that God is showcasing every color in His pallet. I'm sure glad I'm one of those hues, right along with you.
And, I, Brent Goken, am glad He created me to be. Me.
